Tinkerbell Syndrome An exploration on men's obsession with stealing women's individuality
Feel free to listen to the playlist I created and listened to while writing this, even though this piece is about being annoyed while dating, it sparked that autumnal yearning that loves to peak out this time of year. I guess no matter what I’ll always be a hopeless romantic. Also, check the end for discussion questions, this ones fun. *Note: I am not a licensed health professional, lmaoo, obviously*
*yearning [october 24] playlist by me*
We all know Peter Pan syndrome. It’s well documented and I can think of several men off the top of my head right now that might even boast about their apparent unwillingness to grow up. But have you heard of Tinkerbell Syndrome? No? Well, fortunately for you I’ve uncovered this phenomenon through rigorous research… via my recent dating escapades. So step right up, the doctor is in!
Please review the following questions and answer, Yes or No:
1. Have you ever been on a date with someone, looked across the table, and could almost feel them projecting every fantasy they’ve ever had onto you?
2. Have you looked into an average, 5’5”, 29 year old man’s eyes and felt them trying to telepathically suck out anything interesting about you into them?
3. Ever said something insightful (that really you realized when you were 8 years old) then look out of the corner of your eyes and your date is writing it down verbatim in his notes app?
Did you answer yes to 1 or more of those questions, or have similar experiences? Well, then you my friend are officially diagnosed with Tinkerbell Syndrome.
Tinkerbell Syndrome, or TBS, is a common condition that occurs when a woman who is just very cool, hot, independent, and intelligent dates an insecure, unoriginal, average male. Seeing the beauty and ease in which she navigates life activates his primal instincts to capture and hoard away this precious resource. Side effects include: loss of identity, loss of self confidence, depression, anxiety, obsessive behavior, love bombing, stalking, and in extreme cases women tend to lose the light in their eyes.
You see society has conditioned men to not seek partners, but to seek property. Something they can own and control, therefore elevating their status with other men. They seek relationships with women that their friends will find attractive or interesting, in turn making them attractive and interesting. Ultimately, unless they’ve done extensive work to address their inherent misogyny, men only care about what other men think. The art of finding someone who completes you has been lost because men are too busy trying to look cool for each other, rather than attracting their mate. And when they’re worried about peacocking in front of the boys, it’s a lot easier to steal your cool music or interesting political ideals, than do the work to discover what naturally appeals to them. We’re not living, breathing people; we’re a commodity. A finite resource that has the capacity to nourish their mind, body, soul, and ego. Whether conscious or not, women are props or currency to elevate their social status.
Take the Madonna-whore complex. The idea that men categorize women as either Madonna, who they respect and admire, or a whore, someone they’re attracted to but shouldn’t be respected. Patriarchy relies on these fucked up views of women in order to uphold itself. This forces women into these archetypes because it’s too uncomfortable to confront the dichotomy of one’s “property” being desirable and respectable. They’re trained to designate women as one of the archetypes: Mother, Maiden, Crone or in modern terms: Mommy, Manic Pixie Dream Girl, and Too Old for DiCaprio. If you’re mommy you can’t also be hot, and if you’re a manic pixie dream girl you can’t also be nurturing.
Tinkerbell Syndrome occurs when the way a woman presents herself conflicts with the predetermined archetypes. She’s all in one or something you’ve never seen before. In turn men see an even rarer commodity to add to their collection, like dragons hoarding jewels. They simultaneously love and envy the rejection of what’s expected because they so deeply crave to be released from the hell that is patriarchal exceptions. And since women are property, if they can own her freedom, it will free them. Maybe it’s not freedom they seek to own in women but their intelligence, sense of self, or creativity.
Let’s look at Tinkerbell herself, the popular pixie character from the classic and extremely racist movie, Peter Pan. In the movie Tinkerbell is characterized as jealous and emotional, all the negative qualities of a stereotypical woman. Pan finds her annoying and treats her like an afterthought, while she trails after him desperate for attention. Yet, Tinkerbell has something very vital to Peter Pan, her magic. The power to fly from her pixie dust elevates the mythos of Pan’s character and facilitates his heroic acts. Tink quite literally makes Peter Pan cooler!
Tink is never thought of as a mother, even though she is the figure guiding and encouraging Peter Pan and the lost boys. No, she’s just the literal manic pixie dream girl. And how does Pan treat her? He attempts to replace her with Wendy, the mother archetype, when he realizes he finds more value in being nurtured than the fun of flying. At first he tries to have the best of both worlds and have both women in his life, till Tinkerbell’s jealousy threatens Wendy and he discards her without thought. That’s not the end for her, Tink is then captured by Captain Hook. Not to be brought into the folds of his crew, but to be used once more to trap Peter Pan. Tinkerbell is constantly thrown between men as a tool to make them cooler, stronger, better than the others.
Tinkerbell was a pixie with her own thoughts and emotions, not a plaything or resource to be used up. Just like I’m a real life person with complexities and oddities, I’m not just the fantasy they project onto me. Like Tinkerbell, these men want to steal my light, what makes me… me. They just want me to fulfill their desires. They think I’m pretty, want to own my beauty. Think I’m smart, want to own my ideas. Think I’m sexy, want to own my sexuality. Use me, use me, use me, like the energy vampires they are. Hungry for the sparkle they see in me and think they deserve. But it’s not something that can be bottled up and kept hidden away, it is years and years of formative experiences. Like Tinkerbell, I was never meant to be kept in a lantern, waiting to be enjoyed. I’m not a doll meant to be kept on a shelf. I’m meant to fly, and grow, and share my magic.
“Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world.”
-Cyndi Lauper
The scariest part of Tinkerbell Syndrome, is the realization that eventually they’ll either get bored of you when they realize you don’t just sit on a shelf for their entertainment or they’ll decide no one else gets to see your magic out of fear that other men may get access to their treasure. Tinkerbell Syndrome escalating can look like a few things: them literally keeping you hidden away, depleting your self confidence so think you have no other options, or like F. Scott Fitzgerald did to Zelda, manipulating you in order to take your genius as their own and make their name off the back of your ideas.
So what can we do to avoid TBS ladies? Well, we can’t lessen our personalities or creativity just for the sake of avoiding it and let’s be real it won’t matter anyways. All we can do is stay vigilant and keep an eye out for those red flags. Did he not ask you any personal questions on your date and only talk about himself? Red flag. Did you just meet and he’s planning your December getaway already (it’s June)? Red flag. Does he simultaneously make fun of your creative project while struggling to pull off his own? Red flag. Does he know nothing about you, yet love bombs and profess his undying love for you after 2 dates? RED FLAG!
All we can do is make the conscious choice to not let someone take our power away no matter the incentive. We have to want more than to just be adored. Don’t get me wrong I want to be adored yes, but I also want to be feared, admired, and RESPECTED. I want to be known and to be more than just the social commodity enabling someone’s son to live his best life while I break my back. Never again will I sit inside my cage, looking out wishing I could be free. Never again will I let someone take my magic from me.
I want to hear from you! Comment below:
- What’s your worst date experience?
- Have you ever encountered Tinkerbell Syndrome?
- What do you think is the biggest TBS red flag we need to watch out for?
