4/23/25

Last week I traveled back to Ohio for a couple days to see family, a quick 36 hour trip that ended up in being a miserable sick 36 hours but that’s not the point of what I have to say and if you give me enough time I’ll go on and on about it. Anyways, I was in Ohio and decided before the illness episode onset that I should go for a walk at the park. A park that had once been my park. A place of refuge that I’d spend hours walking, sitting, thinking, swinging. Last time I went to the park I had this unsettling feeling, realizing now that I had left this corner of the world, this timeline of my life, it was no longer my park. Even though I’d been near since I hadn’t dared try to walk through the park again, not until now. Knowing it was no longer mine made this secondary return easier. This time though it was like I was walking between two worlds. When I sat on the bench I had sat so many times, it was as if every movement reflected back to me every time I had done it before. I existed here but also two years ago. I turn my head to the right and see the blooming spring tree today but also the bare tree of winters ago.

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I see the sun rays of two years ago when I had dreamed different versions of the dreams I dream today. When I sat in limbo then too, waiting for the next portal to reveal itself. Two years later in the same place, in the liminal space where the past is decaying and the future isn’t ready for harvest. Similar but different. Now there’s a sharper edge if that was even possible. More focused, confident, driven. But still scared. I moved down the path, past my favorite bench and over my second favorite bridge, to the hill. My hill. I kicked my shoes off like so many times before and strode to the top of the hill. Looking out and grounding myself. Shutting everything but this out, so that I can really listen to the wind. The wind brings me whispers from angels, the universe, my ancestors, my guides, my higher self. Asking myself real questions:

What do I want?

What do I need?

Is that really want I want or what someone else wants?

What am I doing?

Why am I doing this?

Am I ruining my life?

Have I failed again?

Do I have enough tenacity?

Have I gone the wrong way?

Does what I want matter?

Have I ruined it again?

Is it faith driving me or delusion?

“fear is the mind killer”

Loud and clear cutting through the noise of my questions and uncertainty, fear is the mind killer. Where have I heard that before, I knew something sci-fi/fantasy. Wheel of Time? No, that’s just the last thing I watched matching that criteria. No I couldn’t remember where I had heard it, but I knew what I was hearing now. Signs, messages, prophecies, guidance come in so many different shapes and sizes. Often in a mundane form only we can recognize and understand. This message was clear: there is no room for fear if I want to continue. To move into this new chapter I’m molding by hand. Meticulously placing each piece of the million piece puzzle as it reveals itself. In order to force this new reality into existence by shear will there is no room for hesitation. Faith or delusion it doesn’t matter there is no tolerance for lack of confidence. Fear isn’t an option or you’ll be back here in two years asking the same questions about the same things.

Oh by the way it’s from Dune if you didn’t know. The Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear. The idea that fear will keep you from accomplishing your goals, your mission, your purpose. I find it interesting that I also recently learned there’s some research around a link between psychopaths having lack of fear and a smaller amygdala. But in general they just have a lack of fear because they don’t have the same social consciousness someone who doesn’t have antisocial tendencies would have. Not that I want to be a psychopath, though not all are bad. I also learned that you can condition your brain to ignore fear. I don’t think I want to train myself out of fear, but allowing it to pass through me in order to conquer it. Anyways, don’t let fear kill your purpose.

“I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

Frank Herbert, Dune