Hello lovelies! What started as a diary entry about my cousin’s beautiful wedding, turned into a more thought out personal essay dissecting the history, what, and why of marriage. It also ended up being a bit topical as while I was writing this there’s major news surrounding the Supreme Court being petitioned to revisit it’s ruling on same sex marriage. Kisses from vacation, should have a podcast up next week!!! 🙂 *this is too long to read in email, open in browser!*

I started writing with this album: https://open.spotify.com/embed/album/3YVnHpyms4rLr3fXS0ROQy

and finished on a road trip with my girls listening to this: https://open.spotify.com/embed/album/35S1JCj5paIfElT2GODl6x

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This past weekend I had the honor of watching my baby cousin marry her best friend. The most beautiful August day, low 70s with plenty of cloud coverage and not a hint of rain. The flowers bloomed, birds chirped, frogs croaked, and as they sealed their union with a kiss, a butterfly landed on a leaf directly behind them. Directly in my line of sight as I stood beside her as co-maid of honor. I watched that butterfly stay there watching us in turn, knowing exactly who was coming to say hello. A blessing, a metaphor, a symbol of the fairy tale day.

Dressed to the nines, with the most perfect french twist my mom has ever done in my hair the rest of the night I transformed into that butterfly. Flitting around the gardens, bar, and tables. Around and around chatting here and there, gushing over the day and waving hello to all the people who hadn’t seen me since I was nine. Swinging on the dance floor with my grandpa (like actually swing dancing!!)1, twirling with my little sister, avoiding people I didn’t want to talk to and at one point running barefoot through the pitch black field to swing on the play set under the moon and stars.

Around and around I went, doing what I do best, riding the social merry go round. Dizzying myself from lighting up the room. As I sat on the swing in the pitch black, my feet freezing from running through the frosted grass, the stars twinkled back at me, One Direction playing softly muffled from the distance between me and the dance floor, I soaked it all in. Flashing through all the images I wanted to remember like a projector in my head. Etching them into my memory, savoring them, then tucking them into a book titled “dream wedding” and pushing it up to the highest shelf in my mental library.2 Because really, in my mind all night I was pretending this was my wedding.

I’ve spent years deconstructing, realigning, and asking myself the real questions. What does it mean to get married? Why get married? I wouldn’t do it for god or the government. I couldn’t want it just because I was supposed to want it. The little girl that created binders of her dream wedding grew up and realized it had to be for more. Most marriages I’ve seen in my lifetime didn’t last, usually resulting in the grotesque nature of divorce. Why potentially go through that just to throw a big and expensive party? I can throw a fabulous party whenever I want! What did it mean to be married? To legally belong to another person? Is my independence something I could ever truly part with?

Eventually I came to the realization that I wouldn’t. At least not like this.

The earliest evidence of marriage dates back to 2350 B.C. in Mesopotamia. Born out the need for patriarchal societies to establish property and heirs. “Through marriage, a woman became a man’s property.” (Peter Weber & Justin Klawans, 2025) It’ll be a cold day in hell when you catch me as a man’s property. Over centuries governing bodies and the church embedded themselves in the concept recognizing the tool of control. Only within the last 100 years as people that weren’t white, cisgendered, straight men gained rights, did marrying for love even cross anyone’s mind. It was “Between 1974 and 1993, U.S. states finally recognized — and banned — marital rape, an idea inconceivable when the husband ‘owned’ his wife’s sexuality.” I recognize everyday the privilege I live just being unmarried and independent at 27 with no kids; unlike my mother, grandmother, great grandmother, and on and on. In 2019 Morgan Stanley forecasted, “45% of prime working age women (ages 25-44) will be single by 2030—the largest share in history—up from 41% in 2018.” Odd how with choice and independence women are deciding not to tie their entire lives and future to a man. And while many see this as a positive and advancement in society, there’s a particular group (we all know the group) that is determined to return marriage to it’s “traditional form.” You know, straight and white. As Mark Higley says in his article for Medium, “Single, childless women may be buying more things at the mall and traveling to various cities, but at what cost in the long run? The bedrock of any healthy society is the nuclear family, and it’s sad to think that we will see fewer and fewer families in the future — which of course means fewer children and happily married couples.” *eye-roll*

While all particles of my being wish to defy the patriarchy, there is still security and status that comes with marriage. When I really started analyzing the what and why of marriage it was because I was in a long term relationship that “should” lead to walking down the aisle. I wanted to have my cousin’s wedding, the dress covered in embroidered flowers like the live action Cinderella wedding dress, outside in gardens, accents of pink and green, flowers covering every surface, all the personalized Pinterest ideas I could find, and a picture of my grandmother tied to my bouquet. Though I did dream of more peonies and I would have had The Wobble on the playlist! Ultimately, I decided I did want to get married for the legality of it. Yes the party would be fun, but when you’re an adult you realize being someone’s legal next of kin affords you a lot of privileges legally and socially. Which is why the fight for marriage equality is so important. Because they’ve built the institution of marriage this way it’s a must to survive in many cases. It’s not just the romance of it all but the legal right to property, assets, or decisions on emergency medical care for your partner. Which is why I would’ve done it, because if we continued building a life together and something happened, I may have had no say in what happened next if we didn’t.

I’m so glad I didn’t though because that wasn’t really the person I should have done it with. While I dreamed of a wedding like my cousin’s, I also dreaded it knowing I’d have to do everything myself, make sure he got there on time, force him to smile, and unlike my cousin and her now husband (ahh! I still can’t get over this they were so cute all night) I would have danced alone on the dance floor. In that timeline I probably would have still ran alone to the swings, even though all I deeply desire is to have someone run to the swings with me. To pull my swing closer and kiss me till I can’t breathe under the moonlight. As I swung higher and higher I thought of all the decisions I made and portals I went through to end up on this timeline. The change in trajectory my pursuit of change has taken me. Where my dream wedding was really my cousins and my dedication to shed every false layer of myself has changed every dream I’ve ever dreamt. Neither better or worse, just different. I used to be in a rush to do everything first. Now I’m content knowing what’s meant for me will unfold in divine timing.

Despite all my babbling of independence versus property, I do dream of a wedding. A different one. A union in Vegas on New Year’s Eve, small just the people we really like and that like us. Elvis marries us in a little white chapel, a limo to dinner, followed by a reception in a section at Drai’s. Probably a pool party splashed in there somewhere too. Yeah, that would be fun or just something along those lines. The dream will probably change again but I’ve found the why and that’s the most important part. The soft, hopeless romantic in me knows that when I really fall in love again I’ll want to be tied to that person in every possible way. The spiritual side of me knows it’ll be a guided union, worthy of ritual to bind it. And because practically I know the fragility of building a life together in this country without being legally bound. A part of my soul was fed from cousin’s wedding. A different version of myself that had wanted that got to experience what it would be like without having to actually do it. Officially putting to bed that dream. This dream is different because unlike that one it can live parallel to others. Dreams of writing, traveling, creating, learning, teaching. It’s a privilege, a luxurious option where I get to wait out all the imposters and still chase all the other dreams even if it never happens. But if it does I know that butterfly will come bless my union too and when I turn my head Grace will be smiling back at me.

xoxo, Ali Ann!