starborn??? personal archive #3 | journal entry

Happy Friday!!!!! Here’s a journal entry from early last year, I don’t know if I’ve answered any of these questions but I have stopped asking them as often, trusting myself and my direction more. This was a different person, before another piece of me was chipped away and replaced with shiny diamond armor. I recognize her, I sympathize with her, but I am not her.

February 11th, 2024
Sunday 3:48pm
W. VA Ave NE

What do I make of destiny really? The starborn, am I starborn with an ultimate destiny? I’ve always hoped so, so why does it feel like a silly notion? I worry I project my grandiose ideas onto people. But maybe I just know people are meant to be in my life, certain people, maybe not in the way I think. But maybe that’s not a projection. Maybe I am just destined to meet certain people. I’ve always felt there was something for me to do, somebody to be while I’m here, alive in this body. And I’ve always felt love as being a part of that. And not just yadda, yadda, love, sex, attention. But that whomever I love will make me more powerful. Someone to collaborate with, learn from, in order to complete or find my destiny. Doesn’t that sounds so much like the ramblings of some fringe mormon? Right? Like where/when does delusion begin?

I’m so scared of falling into a pit of delusion. I see how people fall down a path of delusion so easily. We can use anything as a sign, and isn’t that the problem? Where’s the line between what’s real or not, and what gives me the authority to decide what makes me different from someone deciding eventually they’re the one mighty and strong.1 I guess that helps, because I don’t think that. I think I’m a tiny cog in the wheel. I’m just a spec of dust in a giant rainbow. All I have is the truth, my truth, and what feels real to me. Knowing my place in the universe, the cosmos, that’s what keeps me grounded. That’s what makes me different, that’s the thin line I work so hard not to cross. So then am I allowed to believe I have a divine love? Where’s that thin line? What’s the difference between spiritual bypassing and maybe actually having someone in the world that is a divine love, that is destined to do/help with all the things I said. I’m not hiding, but I am definitely heavily contemplating anyone that would be allowed into my life romantically. Partially to protect myself, but also because I do believe in this destiny. To me I recognize the tests, the awakening, the direction change of my life to push me forward. After stripping back the callouses I realize how fragile my heart is. How precious I am. A gift, I need to protect myself. Maybe I’m a little scared, that could be true to. But not the bad kind that keeps me frozen, the good kind that protects me. Keeps me aware that I’m not to be shared with just anyone.

So am I ridiculous? Or am I right?